Listen, I'm getting impatient

Yes folks, the blog returns. And I think that quite a long time ago, I promised a post on ace pop-punksters Splodgenessabounds, so here it is.

Artist: Splodgenessabounds
Title: Simon Templar / Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps Please
Year: 1980
Chart peak: 7

You can often tell a lot about a band by the stage names they choose to give themselves, and none more so than comedy punks Splodgenessabounds, who achieved their brief moment of fame with a line-up of Max Splodge (vocals), Baby Greensleeves (more vocals), Pat Thetic (guitar), Donkey Gut (keyboards), Robert Rodent (another guitar), Desert Island Joe (drums) and Wiffy Archer (paper & comb). Yes, they had a paper & comb player - the DIY punk ethic was very much alive here. Splodge and Thetic had previously performed as a duo called The Faber Brothers, briefly getting a residency at Butlin's holiday camp in Bognor Regis. Very briefly.

Anyway, the group started playing live in March 1979, and came third in a Melody Maker talent content, netting them £200 and an amplifier. Partly as a result of this, they were picked up by Decca Records for a £1000 advance.

You can't really say a lot about "Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps Please" as a song, because there's not a lot to it. Inspired by a real-life incident of struggling to get served in a pub (The Crown in Chislehurst, should you wish to recreate the magic for yourself), Splodge chants the title a lot, informs us that he even has the exact money ready (should he ever get served) and eventually has to give up when "time" is called. The song was relegated to being the second track on the B-side of "Simon Templar", a punky re-working of the the TV theme to "Return Of The Saint" (the first track on the B-side was a ditty called "Michael Booth's Talking Bum", of which the less said, the better). But in the way of such things, the other tracks on the single got passed over and it was the chant-along filler track that got all the airplay.



Splodge, it should be mentioned, was not entirely happy with the financial arrangements - he claims that he was paid just £240 for the publishing rights. And for some reason, when the BBC started a series called "Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps", named after the song, they didn't even use it as the theme music, preferring to commission a completely new song from another composer! Now that's a raw deal.

Anyway, on the "Whatever happened to...?" front, the follow-up was a raucous version of "Two Little Boys" and there was also an album, "Splodgenessabounds", which bombed spectacularly. An almost completely different line-up issued a second album under the truncated name "Splodge" in 1982 and there's still a version of Splodgenessabounds playing intermittently, but it's anyone's guess who's actually in the band now, or indeed five minutes from now. Whoever it is, at least with 24-hour licensing, they should be able to get a drink afterwards. If they're prepared to wait.